Monthly Archives: September 2014

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Categories of the Nigerian Youth

The Nigerian Youth community is full of exceptionally different and special people, especially when compared to the Western nomenclatures of Jocks, Brunettes, Blondes, Nerds and so on. And as the saying goes, “Birds of the same flock fly together”.

This is just a satirical vignette where we shall classify the Nigerian student (regardless of tribe or religion) in the usual context of social life, appearance, beliefs, and individual priorities.

The LAGOSIANS

The “Lasgidi” first class Nigerians. They never “carry last” wherever they are. Their unique qualities, tastes and reasoning are believed to be greater than other youths from other parts of the country. Why is this? Because of their exposure. Lagos is the hub of any sector/industry (except Agriculture) in the country and this advantage, along with the environment has rubbed off on its residents/people, affecting their styles, tastes, social life, appearances (dressing) and language.

The knowledge of the average Lagosian is also vast, and that is also why the coinage “I-too-Know” is a normal social tag for them.

In fact, when you meet a Lagosian, you’ll just know. Though, at times, they could be arrogant in nature (which is not surprising), frequently looking down on others.

The Lagosian still remains the best person ever to hang out with.

Their priorities? To be always on top or to have close-ties with those who are.

THE HOZULARS

“Omo! streets is military, mehn”, that’s the usual saying that signifies them. Once you say it, you have become a hustler on the streets and the funny thing is that they don’t even move as much as a muscle to hustle anything, as well.

They usually blend their fashion sense with at least some degree of Western influence. And they are the most independent when compared to other nomenclatures of the Nigerian youth. They are also the most dominant.

The GOODY-TWO SHOES

These are the principled and most decent of the whole bunch. They never seat behind the first two rows at any event.

They pay little attention to trends, popular culture, gossip, and socializing with others (whom they consider as “not one of them”). They are well behaved, principled and have little or no social life.

It is also safe to say that these teetotalers are very pious and take matters of their faith as their main priorities. They certainly do not miss the opportunity to “draw others to the Lord” by preaching to a class with about a 30% attention span when it comes to matters of religion.

Their priorities? They always seek to maintain their standards.

The INTROVERTS

Yes. They prefer to keep to themselves. They are usually quiet and unbelievably extremely shy in public but are also otherwise in private. They live respectable lives, are good mannered.

They are also very wise characters.

There isn’t even much to say about them for obvious reasons, but they never remain introverts forever.

Their priorities? Not certain.

The BOOKWORMS

Closely related to the “goody-two shoes”, the bookworms have one thing in common with their principled neighbors. And that is discipline. They are very intelligent and knowledgeable. They are Nigeria’s own equivalent of the western “nerds”.

The bookworms, deviate from every other characteristic displayed by the “goody-two” shoes because they simply want to be identified as people who are interested in trends, popular culture, campus gossip and socializing with others. They are not afraid of having fun, and do what every other person does. But are strongly disciplined enough to return to their books immediately, like they were on auto-pilot.

They prefer to be seen as normal as every other person, but sneak back to their hostels to study voluminously. And then, when examination results are out, you would be innocently surprised to find them smashing with all “A’s”.

Their priorities? To read a lot, obviously and tThey love life. That’s what is admirable about them

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The WARRI/WAFFI Brethren

This avante-garde group are the freest spirits that you could find everywhere in the country. They love to live communally especially with their fellow “wafferians”. They never waste time in dishing out their “waffi” slang, both as a show-off and to announce their confidence to others. Besides they might not be identified if they do otherwise.

They don’t care whatever it is that you think about them, they always want to be themselves no matter what. So, yes, it is true, that they are the real description of the true Nigerian spirit.

This group draws their identification as original indigenes of Delta State. But it is safe to also say that out of at least 60% of them who claim this tribal affiliation, have never really lived in Delta State for more than a year.

Their priorites? They never want to be cheated by anyone.

The BLACKBERRY / HIGH MAINTENANCE LADIES

Their name says it all. These are the babes that make your jaws drop on first sighting. These mannequin-like females are usually beautiful, classy, sheek, and eccentric ladies, with their figure 8, pear and hour-glass body shapes. And they are also fast typists, on their mobile devices, which are usually Blackberrys, Samsung smartphones, iPhones, or any other phone that blends with their glitziness. Their mien is usually flirtatious but confident.

Their nails and hair are always “sharp”, their fashion sense is always in trend and sometimes adventurous, and their perfume is expensive (though they may use them occasionally), as well as other accessories. And these are also why they are high to maintain.

Their priorities? They love taking pictures, especially of themselves.

The RAZ/GROUPIES

You could also refer to them as show-offs, over-hyped or over-rated. Their characters are usually crazy, rough, wild, and confused.

They love to stand out. You could say they love to be seen as different from others, and display this trait through their fashion sense. And so, since they are strong followers/disciples of MTV Base and SoundCity, they don’t lack inspiration and creativity towards this aim. They love dressing like “superstars”. And they also form most of the average party population.

In fact you could also refer to them as “groupies”. They try so hard to live the celebrity life and most of the time, get it all wrong. And their last dime suffers from this vain effort.

Their priorities? To always shine out, sometimes regardless of creativity and reason.

The AJEBO

Yes. Everybody wishes they were an ajebo. A person that comes from money, is groomed by money, is going back into money after school and cannot do without money. In fact, no money or bank is a disaster to them, thereby their belief that with money, all problems are solved. Their spoken English is also very good, almost BBC-like, hence their deficiency in the usage of pidgin or native languages.

In Nigeria, they are usually portrayed as “spoiled Brats” culture, and this is usually true in at least most cases.

Theajebo is always “Tush” in the Nigerian context, which means freshness in body, mind and clothes. No wonder, most of us pretend to be ajebos.

Their priorities? To always have cash at hand, and a handkerchief as well to wipe off stains.

THE ATTACHEE LEPRECHAUNS or FEEL-A-MONGERS

Once they want to be seen with you, they’ll quickly attach themselves to you like the leprechauns of Old Irish folklore. They’ll laugh in agreement to whatever it is that you say. They will champion you, adore you. In fact, they are servile.

They will never displease you as long as you are pretty, powerful, rich, intelligent or “swaggerlicious”.

They can be loyal robotic disciples to you as long as, you are still the best or the next best thing, in their context, that is.

Feel-a-mongers is an expression that describes their wayward mindset – but then again everybody passes through this stage.

Their priorities? Honestly, it’s hard to say.

The FAT PEOPLE

The ground actually shakes when they are walking past; just put your ears to the ground and you’ll hear it!

They usually avoid flocking with their fellow “fat-sows”, in a bid to avoid prejudice.

They prefer to be seen as normal, and prefer that you ignore their size. And rightly so! Because, aside of their evident abundance of carbohydrated body fat , they have got sharp, brilliant minds with good-natured humor. Yes, they always have good jokes.

Their dressing and appearance is strongly limited and dictated by their weight. So, do not ever call them fat, or else you will enter their black book.

Their priorities? To never miss the next meal even though they are still trying to lose weight.

THE REAL HUSTLERS

This group comprises of those who actually do the real hustling: those pushing drugs, yahoo boys, those into music, sports, art, sales, photography, general services and so on.

They are always ready to make that step when it comes to getting the big dough. Though this inspiration originates from watching movies like Godfather, Sopranos, Social Network. Their icons could include Aliko Dangote, Genevieve Nnaji, Kelechi-Amadi Obi, Tuface, Wizkid, Messi, and so on.

They all have their icons and models that they look up to to realize their Nigerian dream.

Their priorities? To have money.

The other categories include the Up-norths, Yorubaman, the O42s, Juuman, South-south buddies who are all just part of the emerging minorities today.

ThE thinGs We’ve LeArNeD frOm NoLlYwOoD

THINGS WE’VE LEARNT FROM NOLLYWOOD
Every problem you have is spiritual.
In every romance movie, someone must die.
It is possible to hit a person without actually touching them.
Anyone who gets hit by a car dies immediately
Poisoned food always tastes better.
The best way to make money is by visiting a ‘Babalawo’/joining a cult/sleeping with rich men.
One of a pair of twins (identical or not) is born evil.
There is never an end to your suffering, except death!
With a pastor… all things are possible
A movie can be titled anything — such as:
The boy is mine
Face me, I face you
Two rates
Could this be love?
Spanner
Calculator
I am in love
Igudu
Shigidi
A movie has not been made it at least one actor/actress has not ‘shelled’, twisted his/her lips to speak wrong phonetics
You are in love… you want to take your girl out, the best place you take her to is…
Mr. Biggs/Tantalizers: where you’ll most probably see an ex while feeding each other.
The beach: where it is imperative that you ride a donkey and carry her playfully.
The garden: where you chase her around trees and flowers which ends with you catching her and both of you falling on the grass.
Or the boutique: take her to buy some ugly new clothes.
A gospel song can be played in a party where there is drinking, smoking, dirty dancing and drugs
An Igbo movie has been made if …
You visit a ‘Babalawo’.
A fleet of cars is shown off at regular intervals for a total of half of the movie time.
Kanayo O. Kanayo is in the movie. Pete Edochie is also there too.
To get rich it is mandatory you join a cult.
In a Yoruba movie:
You always forget a covenant or oath you made, only to remember after a visit t to a shrine or white garment priest.
Two powerful ‘Juju’ people would fight with their spells and incantations to know who is more powerful.
In an Hausa move:
The movie must include the long love songs that are evidently copied from Bollywood.
If you want your movie banned by the Sharia law then allow your characters to show affection by kissing, cuddling, etc.
Gun shots and knock-outs sound the same
Sometimes the title has absolutely nothing to do with the movie and other times, once you read the title and see the poster you know it all.
The soundtrack gives you a headache because it just narrated the whole story repeatedly – so much for suspense and intrigue.
A love story had not been produced id it does not have:
Jim Iyke – Rita Dominic
Emeka Ike – Genevieve Nnaji/Stephanie Okereke
R.M.D. – Stella Damasus
Van Vicker – Nadia Buhari
Majid Michel – Jackie Appaih